The Mirror Stage

Note: Sexual themes and drug use. Maybe don't read this if you're a kid or those topics make you uncomfortable.

When I lost all that weight
I couldn't get enough

Of the mirror
Clothes from before or never
Reflections in newly-washed car exteriors
My shadow moving in the parking lot
I asked my therapist if I was a narcissist
She said, "It’s just a mirror stage."

In a musical charge
I listened to a recording of myself
Some silly little song
Hundreds of times
The ‘e’ vowels produced
In my endocrine system
The “within, sift” system
Cellular, sugar and mineral,
heart and guts, prolonged

How many half-a-days
Were lost to reading
My own posts, re-reading
Until the reading becomes skimming
Becomes staring
Until the screen sleeps
And glazed-over eyes stare back
A psychic disturbance
A face all double-chins and grease

Who is that?

One night when I was stoned
I turned the camera app to selfie
Needed to know I could be satisfied
Painted my hair and face like Venus
Soft features, everything soft, and white
White babydoll, white eye brightener
White breasts as big as my head
I didn’t know

Didn’t know a self cathexis
Could feel like Imago Dei
They say when a baby
First knows his reflection
The recognition is so pure
A judgementless consolidation
Of object and subject
The child seeks to see it again
For the rest of his life

He is unable to love himself
Except as a coping mechanism
Except as a placeholder for real love
Unable to see the gestalt of his actions
Unable to see the infinite forms of love
The process of the thing

I looked myself in the eye as I came
Ah ha, and I slept

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